A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

last one

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot.. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. 

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it
says some pretty vulgar stuff." 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird
any way. 

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and
waited for it to say something. 

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 

"New house, new madam." 

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's really not so bad." 

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and
said, "New house, new madam, new girls." 

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been
raised. 

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. 

The bird looked at him and said, 

"Hi, Keith!"

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an
hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and no."

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there
be greater than this one?"

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give
up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO
LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!!"

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."



AND NOW THE BEST ONE!


A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my
sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"

The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"

__________________

One day a young Jamaican body builder who loved to tan himself looked down on his dick and saw that it was the only area of his body that wasnt chocolate brown, so he decided that the next day he would go to One day a young Jamaican body builder who loved to tan himself looked down on his dick and saw that it was the only area of his body that wasnt chocolate brown, so he decided that the next day he would go to the beach and get a tan on his dick.

The next day he put on his trunks and lay down on his towel on the sand, put some suntan lotion on his penis and left it out to tan.

Two old ladies were walking by and the one called Mary said,"But kiss mi rass Martha, yuh nuh si mi dying trial?"

So naturally martha waan know a wah.

Mary seh,"When mi a twenty mi fraid fi it, when mi a thirty mi curious bout it, when mi a forty mi caan get enuff a it, when mi a fifty mi beg fi it, when mi a sixty mi pay fi it. And now mi a seventy, di f**king sinting dem a grow wild an mi cyant ben dungthe beach and get a tan on his dick.

The next day he put on his trunks and lay down on his towel on the sand, put some suntan lotion on his penis and left it out to tan.

Two old ladies were walking by and the one called Mary said,"But kiss mi rass Martha, yuh nuh si mi dying trial?"

So naturally martha waan know a wah.

Mary seh,"When mi a twenty mi fraid fi it, when mi a thirty mi curious bout it, when mi a forty mi caan get enuff a it, when mi a fifty mi beg fi it, when mi a sixty mi pay fi it. And now mi a seventy, di f**king sinting dem a grow wild an mi cyant ben dung

---

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1kwN0jDwNo">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1kwN0jDwNo

*sorry folks, gonna have to head over to youtube to watch this one... they dont allow embedding on boards

-- Edited by Crazypickney at 23:59, 2008-06-21

no need to explain more...cold day...warm fart...unsuspecting public...infrared camera.....play it boys...

---

---

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
"Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.

"And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"


"You're going to die," she replied.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. ; After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" ;
The woman continues, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" ;
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

A guy dials his home number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that w*tch and the j*rk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh..... Is this 832-4821?"

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"

The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish." The sister said, "Oh, ok."

The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior,
look at the Gauddam Fish I caught."
Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."

The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."
So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother
Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister
caught."

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like that!"

Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he
said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish."
And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish."
And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...
"I LIKE THIS f**kING PLACE ALREADY!"

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shovelling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it!?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

!!"Supplies"!

One day a boy and his father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.

The boy asked hid Dad, ''What are these Pop?''
''They're smart pills son,'' said his father.
''Eat them and they'll make you smarter."

So he ate them and said, ''Yuck...these taste like s**t!''

''See,'' said his father, ''you're already getting smarter!''

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2. Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

---

---

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said "Pull"

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bar are c**cksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is understandably silent.

He, then, chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherf**kers! Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is silent, again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"
No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar!"

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarra**ed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarra**ed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results: Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink. Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned. Drink: White Zin Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue. Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... Drink: Shots Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk ... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait. Additional note: If she likes salt on the rim of her Margarita, she swallows.

---

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad... IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day. AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet. AT WORK........You have to share. IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK.......They are called supervisors. IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught. NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

 
 
 
 



 
 
 
 
 



 
 
 
 



 
 
 
 
 



 
 
 
 
 



 
 
 
 
 



 
 
 
 
 
 
 



 
 
 
 
 



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 





-- Edited by scuppo at 06:57, 2008-06-21

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgot his watch. He searches for someone who could give him the time.

He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. "Excuse me, sir," says the young man "Do you know what time it is?"

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.

"Mmmmm, it is about 3:00," the zoo keeper responds.

The young man looks at him in awe, "How did you know that?" The zoo keeper looks back at the man, "I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you."

This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's up with the jar?" Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money." Man: "What are the three tests?" Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."