Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
Dnt let this happen to U!!!!!!!!!!!!!.........
http://www.zshare.net/video/1592211249eadb7d/]nevertrustafart.wmv - 1.06MB
http://www.zshare.net/video/1592211249eadb7d/]nevertrustafart.wmv - 1.06MB
| A young Jamaican yute, Errol, asks his step-dad for some help. He says, "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His step-father looks up thoughtfully, and says, "Mek mi show yuh. Go ask yuh madda if she would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollars. Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollars. Then go ask yuh bradda if him would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollars. Then come back and tell me wha yu find out." The yute is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his stepfather means. He asks his mother, "Mammy if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell yuh poopah, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her,"Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His sister looks up and says, "Cho! Him kinda old still but wid di amount a clothes mi coulda buy definitely me wudda give him a grine!" Then he goes to his brother's room and asks him, "Eh yow, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His brother thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fyah bun fi dem ting deh but fi a million bucks, I suppose I would. Just one time duh". Errol goes back to his stepfather and says, "Poopah mi tink mi figured it out. Potentially, wi sittin on tree million dollars, but in reality, wi ah live wid two skettel an ah man." | |
A we have the real banana clip round ere lollllllllll !!!!!!!!!
July 24, 2008
Started By steppz — 7 Comments
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to another guy slumped over the bar drunk.
The guy sits up and in a drunken slur goes...
"Did you know on a day like today, the winds between the buildings upwell so much, that when you jump off the roof you will float?"
The sober guy says there is no way...so up to the roof they go.
Sure enough, the drunk jumps off the roof, floats in the air, and then comes back over to the roof.
The sober guy goes "That's amazing!" and jumps off the roof and falls to his death.
The drunk walks back down into the bar, and the bartender, having witnessed the sober man fall through the front window, looked at the drunk and said "Ya know Superman, you can be a really A**hole when you're drunk."
di man high b4 him even lite up
try not to laugh...
While touring a Red Indian reservation filming a documentary, Barbara Walters was puzzled as to the difference in the number of feathers in the head-dresses of the male Indians.
So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his head-dress and his reply was:
'Only have one woman. One woman, one feather.'
Feeling that the brave was only joking, she asked another and he replied:
'Me have two women. Two women, two feathers.'
Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners
involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a head-dress full of feathers which, needless to say amused
Ms. Walters who asked the Chief,
'Why do you have so many feathers in your head-dress?'
The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said:
'Me Chief, me screw 'em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me screw 'em all.'
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, 'You ought to be hung.'
The Chief said: 'You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake.'
Ms. Walters cried, 'You don't have to be so hostile.'
The Chief replied: 'Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style? Me screw 'em all.'
With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, 'Oh dear.'
The Chief said: 'No deer?. Ass too high, run too fast!'
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were
done there were three finalists: An American man,an English man and a Jamaican man.
For the final test, the CIA agents took the American man to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The American said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife" The Agent replies," Then you're
not the right man for this job."
The English man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet
for about five minutes. Then the English man came out with tears in his eyes "I tried blokes, but I can't
kill my wife," The Agent replies, "You don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the Jamaican's turn, he took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot
after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Jamaican. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said
"Unnuh neva tell mi di blo*o*dclaat gun was loaded wid blanks!!", " A beat mi haffi beat har p*u**yyclaat to death
wid di ra** chair!!"
done there were three finalists: An American man,an English man and a Jamaican man.
For the final test, the CIA agents took the American man to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The American said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife" The Agent replies," Then you're
not the right man for this job."
The English man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet
for about five minutes. Then the English man came out with tears in his eyes "I tried blokes, but I can't
kill my wife," The Agent replies, "You don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the Jamaican's turn, he took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot
after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Jamaican. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said
"Unnuh neva tell mi di blo*o*dclaat gun was loaded wid blanks!!", " A beat mi haffi beat har p*u**yyclaat to death
wid di ra** chair!!"
There were three pastors (an American, Chinese and a Jamaican) of a certain Christian denomination and they were having some difficulty making a decision regarding their Sunday church offering; specifically, which portion they should keep as salary, and which portion should go to the Lord.
The American said, "Whenever I collect the offering and the service is through, after church I put the money in a box, go outside, take a stick and draw a line on the floor and throw the money in the air. Whatever falls on the right is for the Lord and whatever falls on the left is mine."
The Chinese said, "I put money in box, I dont draw line - I draw circle! I stand in center, throw box wit money in air- whatever fall on outside is mine and what fall inside is for Lord."
The Jamaican then replied "Mi naw draw a circle, mi naw draw a line. All I do is put de money inna a box and fling it inna de air ... whateva de Lawd want, him betta grab it fast cause what drop on de groung a fi mi.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off......let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping. She has requested tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church and so ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off......let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping. She has requested tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church and so ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."
The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"
"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."
"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"
"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.
"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.
So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."
"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."
The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"
"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."
"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"
"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.
"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.
So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."
"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."
ok, so there is this nurse that works at a mental institution. she is making rounds and checking up on patients. she goes in room one and there is this lady in there. she is typing in mid-air. the nurse asks her what she is doing that for and she answers that she is going to be a secratary when she gets out and she was practicing her typing. she says ok and walks out. she then goes in room two and there is a guy who looks like he is swinging an invisible bat. she says to him. let me guess, you are going to play baseball when you get out, and he says you betcha. then she goes in room three and sees this guy dry-humping a bad of peanuts. she goes WTF? you cant use that anywhere when you get out of here, why are you practicing that for!?! and he says lady, i aint getting out of here, im f**king nuts!
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing
one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford
is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
politely off ered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used
to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet
to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered
(Continue below - This is great)
"THE TEETH."
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing
one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford
is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
politely off ered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used
to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet
to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered
(Continue below - This is great)
"THE TEETH."
A little girl came running into the house crying her eyes out and cradling
her hand.
Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider! she wailed.
Why do you want a glass of cider? asked mum.
I cut My hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away.
Confused, but weary of the child's whingeing, the mother obliged and
poured her a glass of cider.
The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work! whined the little one.
What are you on about? asked her increasingly perplexed parent.
Well I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her
hand, she can't wait to get it in cider !!!
her hand.
Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider! she wailed.
Why do you want a glass of cider? asked mum.
I cut My hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away.
Confused, but weary of the child's whingeing, the mother obliged and
poured her a glass of cider.
The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work! whined the little one.
What are you on about? asked her increasingly perplexed parent.
Well I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her
hand, she can't wait to get it in cider !!!
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'
The game is simple. Be the last person to post in here and win.
Let the games begin.
Let the games begin.
Mrs. Featherbottom falls off balcony (BEST CLIP FROM ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT)
July 21, 2008
Started By RiddimRyder — 4 Comments
[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=QxGcsJWzYh4]
If you don`t know the show you need to watch it. too bad retarded Fox cancelled it on it`s 3rd season.
If you don`t know the show you need to watch it. too bad retarded Fox cancelled it on it`s 3rd season.
...lol
Jamaican Sandals
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this
small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
"You foreigners! Cam in. Cam into my humble shop!" So they walked
in, and the Jamaican said, "I have some special sandals I tink you would
be interested in... Dey make you wild at da sex".
"The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband
felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband
asked the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?
"The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do
nutting cept try dem on."So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this
wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In
the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violentlyover a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, andgrabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican began screaming, "Da Fak... you got dem on da wrong feet!
Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic b****.
(Now that's more like it!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt *lo** 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A c**kroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
('Honey, I'm home. What the..?!')
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
After having dug to a depth of 20 meters last year,
English scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back over 200
years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a
telephone network 200 years
ago.
Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that
followed, American
scientists dug to a depth of 30 meters, and shortly
after, headlines in
the newspapers read: American archaeologists have
found traces of 300 year
old
copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors
already had an
advanced high-tech communications network a hundred
years earlier than the
English.'
One week later, 'Th e Daily gleaner ' Jamaican
newspaper, reported the
following: 'After digging as deep as 40 meters at
Cross Roads in Kingston , Arnold Jacobs ,
a self taught archaeologist, reported that
he found absolutely
nothing. Arnold has therefore concluded that 400
years ago Jamaica had
already gone wireless.'
English scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back over 200
years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a
telephone network 200 years
ago.
Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that
followed, American
scientists dug to a depth of 30 meters, and shortly
after, headlines in
the newspapers read: American archaeologists have
found traces of 300 year
old
copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors
already had an
advanced high-tech communications network a hundred
years earlier than the
English.'
One week later, 'Th e Daily gleaner ' Jamaican
newspaper, reported the
following: 'After digging as deep as 40 meters at
Cross Roads in Kingston , Arnold Jacobs ,
a self taught archaeologist, reported that
he found absolutely
nothing. Arnold has therefore concluded that 400
years ago Jamaica had
already gone wireless.'
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife,
and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in
your sleep, Ralph.'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live
for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back,
and that is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near
his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers,
clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first
day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never
laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big
deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon
laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his
head, and heard his wife shout.....
'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!'
and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in
your sleep, Ralph.'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live
for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back,
and that is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near
his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers,
clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first
day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never
laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big
deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon
laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his
head, and heard his wife shout.....
'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!'
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation
or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child,
he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the
baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to
simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti"
on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his
confused wife.
"Honey!," she said, "you received a very strange
post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it
later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as
her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce."
One night, she confided in him that she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation
or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child,
he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the
baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to
simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti"
on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his
confused wife.
"Honey!," she said, "you received a very strange
post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it
later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as
her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce."
*dont know if it was posted already*
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
How do u measure da circumference of a cow?
Scroll ova btween * for d answer!
*2 BEEF PIE*
Scroll ova btween * for d answer!
*2 BEEF PIE*
http://www.mediafire.com/?7emhsgtg23o
http://www.mediafire.com/?7emhsgtg23o
Prostate Test gone BAD VIDEO (Why Jamaican Men do not take prostate exams)
July 17, 2008
Started By Kaos — 12 Comments
To di World
This is one of the main reasons why we Jamaican men will not take the traditional prostate test.
Click here to download and view the video of an prostate exam gone bad
Working in the garden my 3YO granddaughter came out and said,
'Pop, can you make a noise like a frog?"
After making a rather weak, "Ribbit." 3YO comes back with,
"No, Pop, a real noise like a frog."
After several more requests to impersonate a frog during the afternoon, I asked 3YO why she wanted me to make a noise like a frog so desperately.
Her reply,
"Mummy said that when Pop croaks, we can all go to Disneyland!"
'Pop, can you make a noise like a frog?"
After making a rather weak, "Ribbit." 3YO comes back with,
"No, Pop, a real noise like a frog."
After several more requests to impersonate a frog during the afternoon, I asked 3YO why she wanted me to make a noise like a frog so desperately.
Her reply,
"Mummy said that when Pop croaks, we can all go to Disneyland!"
No matter what this Jewish husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with
her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that
he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a
check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a
check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250
with the following note:
Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if
you know
how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular
size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not
blame the
management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
landlady.
her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that
he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a
check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a
check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250
with the following note:
Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if
you know
how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular
size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not
blame the
management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
landlady.
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a
different
>hell
> >for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they
>do
> >here?"
> > He is told,"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
>Then
> >they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German
devil
> >comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not
>like
> >the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out
> > The USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He
>discovers
> >that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
> > Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long
>line of
> >people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He
>is
> >told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they
>lay
> >you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes
in
>and
> >whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as
>all
> >the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
> > "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not
>work,
> >someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a
>former
> >Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to
the
> >canteen!!!!!
different
>hell
> >for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they
>do
> >here?"
> > He is told,"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
>Then
> >they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German
devil
> >comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not
>like
> >the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out
> > The USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He
>discovers
> >that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
> > Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long
>line of
> >people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He
>is
> >told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they
>lay
> >you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes
in
>and
> >whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as
>all
> >the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
> > "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not
>work,
> >someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a
>former
> >Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to
the
> >canteen!!!!!
The Accident> >> >On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a > >fatal car accident.> >The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for > >St. Peter to process them into Heaven.> >> >While waiting they began to wonder. Could they possibly get married in > >Heaven?> >When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in heaven.> >St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let > >me go find out" and he left.> >> >The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months.> >While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed > >to get married in Heaven,> >should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?> >> >"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" > >Another month passed.> >St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled> >"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."> >> >"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't > >work out?> >Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"> >> >St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.> >> >"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.> >> >"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up > >here!> >Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?">
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now tell me, what the f*#k would you say?"
POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKES EVER:> >> >Rectum Deoderant> >> >A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum > >deodorant.> >The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell> >rectum deodorant, and never have.> >> >Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the> >stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.> >> >"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."> >> >"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.> >> >"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.> >> >"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get> >it."> >> >She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks> >At it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"> >> >Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the > >container.........> >> >" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM">
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The
> >> father
> >> answers: "Well son, I guess one day
> >> you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together
> >> in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your
> >> Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.. We sneaked into a secluded room,
> >> where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as
> >> I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used
> >> a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
> >> months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
> >> You got Male
> >> father
> >> answers: "Well son, I guess one day
> >> you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together
> >> in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your
> >> Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.. We sneaked into a secluded room,
> >> where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as
> >> I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used
> >> a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
> >> months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
> >> You got Male
How smart is your right foot?Just try this. It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............>>This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to>see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY) and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.>2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.!!!!!!!!!>I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it!>>You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are>going to try it again, if you've not already done so.>____________________________________________________>
George Bush is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Bush says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Bush. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What?" asks Bush, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying George Bush and His Team was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Bush beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Bush says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Bush. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What?" asks Bush, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying George Bush and His Team was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Bush beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
A Week at the Gym
> > >
> > >...If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something
> >wrong
> > >with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
>into
> >a
> > >regular workout routine.
> > >
> > >Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
> > >purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for
>me.
> > >Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
> >football
> > >team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
> >give
> > >it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal
> > >trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old
>aerobics
> > >instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife
> >seemed
> > >pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to
> > >keep a diary to chart my progress.
> > >
> > >MONDAY:
> > >Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
> > >worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
>for
> > >me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing
> >eyes
> > >and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5
> > >minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
> >but
> > >I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.
> >I
> > >enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
> > >class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging
> >as
> > >I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it
> >in
> > >the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
> > >
> > >TUESDAY:
> > >I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> > >Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
>air,
> > >and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> > >treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
>it
> > >all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
> > >
> > >WEDNESDAY:
> > >The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
>the
> > >counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
>a
> > >hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
> > >steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> >Belinda
> > >was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other
> >club
> > >members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
> > >when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.
> >My
> > >chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
> >stair
> > >monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
> > >activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
>help
> > >me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s**t too.
> > >
> > >THURSDAY:
> > >Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> > >thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
> >being
> > >a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
> >took
> > >me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
> >in
> > >the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put
> > >me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
> > >
> > >FRIDAY:
> > >I hate that b*t*h Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
>any
> > >other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
> > >little cheerleading b*t*h. If there were a part of my body I could
> >move
> > >without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me
> >to
> > >work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
> > >dents in the floor, don't hand me barbells or anything that weighs
> >more
> > >than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
> > >and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like
> > >the drama coach or the choir director?
> > >
> > >SATURDAY:
> > >Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
>shrilly
> > >voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
> > >want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
> > >strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
> >straight
> > >hours of the Weather Channel.
> > >
> > >SUNDAY:
> > >I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
> >and
> > >thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
> > >wife (the other b*t*h), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
>a
> > >root canal or a vasectomy.
> > >
> > >...If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something
> >wrong
> > >with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
>into
> >a
> > >regular workout routine.
> > >
> > >Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
> > >purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for
>me.
> > >Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
> >football
> > >team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
> >give
> > >it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal
> > >trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old
>aerobics
> > >instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife
> >seemed
> > >pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to
> > >keep a diary to chart my progress.
> > >
> > >MONDAY:
> > >Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
> > >worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
>for
> > >me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing
> >eyes
> > >and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5
> > >minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
> >but
> > >I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.
> >I
> > >enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
> > >class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging
> >as
> > >I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it
> >in
> > >the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
> > >
> > >TUESDAY:
> > >I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> > >Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
>air,
> > >and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> > >treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
>it
> > >all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
> > >
> > >WEDNESDAY:
> > >The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
>the
> > >counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
>a
> > >hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
> > >steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> >Belinda
> > >was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other
> >club
> > >members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
> > >when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.
> >My
> > >chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
> >stair
> > >monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
> > >activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
>help
> > >me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s**t too.
> > >
> > >THURSDAY:
> > >Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> > >thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
> >being
> > >a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
> >took
> > >me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
> >in
> > >the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put
> > >me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
> > >
> > >FRIDAY:
> > >I hate that b*t*h Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
>any
> > >other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
> > >little cheerleading b*t*h. If there were a part of my body I could
> >move
> > >without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me
> >to
> > >work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
> > >dents in the floor, don't hand me barbells or anything that weighs
> >more
> > >than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
> > >and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like
> > >the drama coach or the choir director?
> > >
> > >SATURDAY:
> > >Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
>shrilly
> > >voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
> > >want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
> > >strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
> >straight
> > >hours of the Weather Channel.
> > >
> > >SUNDAY:
> > >I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
> >and
> > >thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
> > >wife (the other b*t*h), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
>a
> > >root canal or a vasectomy.
Taxi Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, 'Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!'
The passenger apologized and said, 'I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. '
The driver replied, 'Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.'
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, 'Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!'
The passenger apologized and said, 'I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. '
The driver replied, 'Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.'
A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing
God she asked, "Is my time up?" God
replied, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since
she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the
most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While walking across the street she was struck and killed by an
ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you!
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing
God she asked, "Is my time up?" God
replied, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since
she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the
most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While walking across the street she was struck and killed by an
ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you!
__________________
Stronger than Viagra
That's Gonna Hurt Soon
__________________
1,
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, " Dad, why do you keep
telling people u're dying of AIDS? "
Answer: " So when I'm dead no one
will dare touch your mom!"
2,
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
3.
What if Adam and Eve were Chinese?
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they
would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake
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