A Jamaican man is sitting watching TV and his wife comes up behind him and whacks him with a frying pan.
"Aaahh! Wat dat for?" he shouts
"Me find one paper inna yuh pocket wid a gyal name pon it, "Miss Melba" says his wife.
"Wa yuh mean? Me an' me frien' Leroy go a race
track last week and Miss Melba is de name a de horse dat run inna de first race," he protests.
Two days later he is sitting watching TV again and "wack!"- one bitch lick inna 'im head - with the back of the
dutch-pot.
"Ooowww," he shouts. "Wha' dat for now?"
"Yu horse deh pan di phone"!

For his birthday, little Ben asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His fathersaid, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is$280,000 & your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can affordit.' The next day the father saw little Ben heading out the front door with a suitcase,
so he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Ben told him,
'I was walking past your room last night and I heard youtelling Mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!!!

This Jamaican guy left for work on Sept. 11 at about 6:00AM to go to his office on the 97th floor in the World Trade Center, kissed his wife and told her he loved her.

When he got to Manhattan he went to his lover's apartment in the Village. He turned his cell phone off, and thought of spending some quality hours putting down some good wuck on her.

At about 11:00AM, while still at her place tired and overworked, he turned his cell phone on, and a second later it rang. He answered, and it was his wife who was screaming at him, "Where the hell are you? I've been trying to call you for an hour. I've been worried sick about you!!!"

He screamed back. What the hell is wrong with you woman, "Where do you think I am? I'm in my office.

Romie looking exasperated threw one more pebble at the window. His frustration mounts and his patience is wearing thin.

Romie: Cho. Mi tell dis girl say me a come over after mi done play ball and she must leave di winda open and now she nuh deh yah. Mi is a man can't tek badderation enuh. A what time now (peers at fake Rolex). Rahtid, half past nine. (Whispers loudly) Jules! Jules! Wait deh, see her light come on deh. Jules!

Julie: ( come to window half asleep) Romie? Romie? Wherefore art yuh deh? Oh baby. Deny yuh Puppa and refuse yuh name. And if yuh no want do that, swear say yuh love me 'cause I no longer want to be a Johnson.

Romie: (aside) Bwoy, this gal yah can chat yuh see man! My time fi talk now, give me a chance.

Julie: Is only yuh name me no like, Romie. What kind a last name you have, McIntyre? It sound like a burger in a car tire. Is not your hand, or yuh, foot, or yuh arm or yuh face that bother me (well, yuh face bother mi sometime), but is yuh name. Yuh know say, the Johnson dem nuh like the McIntyre dem and if mi father ketch yuh over yah him limb up yuh warra-it. But what's in a name, my sweet Rom-Rom. Mi no care'bout yuh name. If yuh call a rose by any other name it will smell just as sweet. Nuh true.

Romie: Yuh a hear mi Jules, mi can't take this foolishness no more. Big man haffi a hide and come check yuh a night time like a some punk. But mi a tell yuh the truth, anything mi can do fi wi stay together, mi will do. If mi haffi change mi name mi wi do that. (shouts) From now on mi no name McIntyre no more!

Julie: Shhhhh! Mi parents dem a sleep. No matter what yuh say yuh can't change the fact that yuh come from McIntyre breed. And yuh better tek time talk, yuh no 'fraid a mi bredda dem?

Romie: Jules, yuh more dangerous to me than all a fi dem cutlass and pick-ax. When a man check fi a woman yuh no know say it easy fi she hurt him.

Julie: Still, yuh better hope nobody no wake up. By the way, is how yuh get past the dog?

Romie: Who dah punk deh? Mi just gi him a piece a saltfish wha' mi buy dung a Buddy shop. All tomorrow him still a chaw dat.

Julie: Well, is why yuh decide fi come over here tonight, knowing how mi people dem nuh like yuh.

Romie: (kneels on the ground) Well mi not even know how fi say this but mi love mi car, mi love mi bike, mi love mi money and ting but most of all me love mi Browning" (wipes away a tear) Is the fus ina mi life man have feelings fi cry. Yuh know yuh a mi Fresh Vegetable and mi no stop cry fi yuh.

Julie: (starts to cry too) Oh that's so sweet, but first of all, yuh no have no car and the only transportation yuh have is the piece a bruck up fix-wheel bicycle yuh grandfather gi yuh. But mi still love yuh anyway. But "baby are you up for this, to give me all that loving so that I can turn and twist."

Romie: Is how yuh a diss me so?

Julie: (giggles) A joke mi a mek (she turns away startled) Romie! Somebody a come, yuh better gwan before dem ketch yuh over here. Call me a work tomorrow y'hear. Bye love. (she ducks inside).

Romie: (whistling softly as he walks by the dog gnawing on a tough piece of saltfish) " dem a go tired fi see mi face".

An elderly Jamaican man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Jamaican pastry, 'Gizzada' wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally dozens of Gizzadas.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the Gizzada was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a Gizzada at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a 'dutch-pot' by his wife......
'Move yu back-side!" she said, "Dem ya a fe you nine-nite."

http://www.ekranik.pl/film,54201,8.html 

One day a young Jamaican body builder who loved to tan himself looked down on his dick and saw that it was the only area of his body that wasnt chocolate brown, so he decided that the next day he would go to the beach and get a tan on his dick.

The next day he put on his trunks and lay down on his towel on the sand, put some suntan lotion on his penis and left it out to tan.

Two old ladies were walking by and the one called Mary said,"But kiss mi ra** Martha, yuh nuh si mi dying trial?"

So naturally martha waan know a wah.

Mary seh,"When mi a twenty mi fraid fi it, when mi a thirty mi curious bout it, when mi a forty mi caan get enuff a it, when mi a fifty mi beg fi it, when mi a sixty mi pay fi it. And now mi a seventy, di f**king sinting dem a grow wild an mi cyant ben dung.

A 17 year-old Jamaican girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for the last two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test. Confirming her worst fears, the test result is positive. Shouting, swearing and crying, the Mother says, "Which ra** man do dis to you? Mi need fi know now!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a BMW X5 pulls up in front of their house; a dapper looking man dressed in an Armani suit steps out and walks to the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother, & the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs & provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a factory and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and very decisively tells him, "You can breed har again ..."

After a hard day at work Puncie arrived home and walked into her bedroom to find her husband in bed with another woman. The woman was asleep but Puncie's husband was awake and shaking with fear of what Puncie would do.

Puncie spun around and headed for the kitchen to grab a knife. Her husband jumped out of bed to follow her. He grabbed her and said, "Puncie, me lub, me sarry". Puncie replied, "yu no sarry yet. Wait til mi done wid har. Den yu will sarry!"
Puncie's husband said, "lawd Puncie man, no gwan so. Beg yu please no hurt har. Yu see dat nice Maxima wey we drive? A she buy it gi mi. Yu si yu weddin ban an diaman ring pan yu finga? A fi har money me tek buy it gi yu. An a wey yu tink me get de money fi pay di magage dis month?"

Puncie stopped for a few seconds to think then replied, "Den cova har up no? We no want har fi ketch cold!!"

Sunday morning in Bronx, New York. The church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.
The doors burst open; a black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two people. One is the Pastor, the other is a Jamaican.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me.
But YOU (points to the Jamaican), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The Jamaican crosses one leg over the other and replies, "See one, see de other! I been married to you sister for 36 years!"

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service. The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A cop goes for a haircut, and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service. The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Jamaican goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service. The Jamaican is, of course, very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there????

(You know it!!!) A dozen Jamaicans waiting for a free haircut...

An old man lived alone in St. Mary, Jamaica. He wanted to plough his field to plant potatoes, but it was very hard work, and he was unable to do it alone. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "Papa, beg yu nuh dig up the garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 a.m. the next morning police and soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant yu potatoes, Papa. Is the best I could do at this time."

Diary of a Jamaican who moved to Canada to escape

November 14th
Started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snow we have ever seen. The wife took buttered buns and we sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down; clinging to the trees and covering the ground
could never do anything like this in Jamaica. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

November 15th
we woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a FANTASTIC sight!
Every tree and shrub was covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and
loved it. I did both our driveway and sidewalk. Later, the city snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. But the driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shoveled again Canadians are so friendly! Unlike those people who work the corporate area.

November 16th
It snowed an additional twelve inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around four degrees, the cold weather is not so bad, we can take this, not at all as bad as we imagined. Several limbs on the trees and
shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the
snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.

November 17th
warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice again. Bought snow tyres for both cars. Slipped on my in the driveway, paid $130 for the chiropractor, but fortunately nothing broken. More snow and ice expected

November 18th
Still cold. Sold my wife's BMW and bought a 4x4 in order to get to work. Slipped on the guardrail and did considerable damage to the right fender. Had another 15 centimetres of white shit last night. Both vehicles covered
in salt and crud. More shovelling in store for me today. That damn snowplough came by twice yesterday.

November 19th
2 degrees outside! More rahtid snow. Not a tree or shrub in our yawd that hasnt been damaged. Power was off most of the night. "Blouse and skirt" got mi first heating bill. Tried to keep from freezing to death wid candles and kerosene heater, tipped over and nearly burn the rahtid house down. I managed to put the flames out but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car slid on the white
shit on the way to the hospital and was a write-off.

November 20th
Rahtid white ting keeps coming down! I have to put on all the clothes I own just to get to the mailbox. If I ever catch the bitch that drives that rahtid snowplough, I gwine mek him mumma feel it. I think he hides around
the rahtid corner and wait for me to finish shoveling, then comes down the street at about 160km/hr and cover up wi driveway again. Rahtid power still off. The toilit froze and parts of the roof have started to cave in.

November 21st
Twelve more centimetres of rahtid snow and rahtid ice and God knows what other kind of rahtid white shit fell last night. I wounded the rahtid snowplough with the pick, but the driva got away. The wife took off and left me.
The rahtid car won't start and I think I'm going rahtid snow-blind. I can't move my rahtid toes, haven't seen the b*m**oclaat sun in weeks and there's more rahtid snow predicted. Wind chill is 30 rahtid degrees below rahtid zero!!

November 22nd
Mi a move back to JA cause dis ya place a go kill mi!

A blind Jamaican man walks into a little restaurant and sits down.

The owner walks up to him and hands him a menu.

"Mi blind, sah, an caan se fe read de menu".

Jus bring mi one fork dat one ah yu customah use arreddy, an mi will smell it an order fram it"

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, dat's what mi will 'ave - rice nd peas wid jerk fish!"

Unbelievable, and after the blind man leaves, the owner walks towards the kitchen and tells his Wife Dawn, the cook, what just happened.

Several days later, the blind man returns, and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remembah mi? Mi ah de blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."

The owner gets a dirty fork for the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "Dat smells great! Mi will take de jerk chicken an rice wid broccoli."

The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and figures that the next time the man comes in, he's going to test him.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Dawn, rub this fork on your panties." Dawn does it and hands the fork to her husband.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you, and I have your fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "ra** mon, mi neva know say Dawn wuk yah!"

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN KINGSTON

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Kingston driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to scare people for a laugh.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and
are apparently not enforceable in Kingston.

9. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Kingston driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your
spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Kingston is the home of the high-speed 'dally' , thanks to the KSAC, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. It is traditional in Kingston to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Kingston driver is to get there first --by whatever means necessary.

After having dug 100m, British scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one millennium ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks to follow, the French dug 200m (100deeper than their neighbors) and headlines in the French newspapers read:

"French scientists found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high tech digital telephone networks 1000 years earlier than the Brits."

One week later, the Jamaican press reported the following: "After having dug as deep as 500m, Jamaican scientists found absolutely nothing and concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using cellular."

dis guy is da boss man

A boy and his father from rural Jamaica were visting America for the first time.

The first time they went to a mall, they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Ah whaddat, daddy?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, mi nevah see nuting so inna my life! Mi nuh know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, sexy 19-year-old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, says quietly to his son, "Bwoy... Go get yuh Madda!"

Late ketch Dulcie, suh she decide fi tek a short cut. As she a mek har way through di bush, two man ole har dung an rape har. She report it to di police, who ketch di man dem afta couple a days. When di case reach a court, Dulcie had to tek di witness stand.

Here's a bit of the court transcript ...

Clerk of the Court: Miss Black (Dulcie), please describe to the court what happened on the night in question.

Dulcie: Well sah, as a was mekkin mi way through di bush, dem two man deh just jump out pan mi, hol mi dung, tear aff mi draws and push dem c*cky inna mi p*ssy!

Judge: Please, please, please, please, Please. Miss, could you please be kind enough to use the proper names for the body parts in question!

Dulcie: Wah yuh mean sah?

Judge: Please say he pushed his penis into your vagina.

Dulcie: OK sah.

Clerk of the court: Please continue Miss Black.

Dulcie: As a wuz sayin, dem ole mi dung and push dem, ahm ... excuse mi sah, a wah yuh seh a di nickname fi c*cky an' p*ssy is again?

A Lady was travelling along Caledonia road in Mandeville, when she was involved in a traffic accident with a man who was driving a car. They both agreed to go to a nearby police station to make a report.

Here's the dialogue of her conversation with the police officer on duty:

Lady: Mawning offica

Officer: Mawning Maam

Lady: I'm here to report an accident

Officer: Go ahead Maam

Lady: Offica, mi seh mi a cum enuh, and when mi realise the man a cum too, mi start blow the man, and all di blow mi a blow the man, him still cum inna mi.

Officer: Lady it look like a sex argument yuh a talk bout.

Lady: No offica, but look how the man mash up the whole a mi front.

Think about this the next time someone is nice enough to call you a BITCH >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>BITCHOLOGY >> >>When I stand up for >> >>myself and my beliefs, >> >>they call me a >> >>bitch. >> >>When I stand up for >> >>those I love, >> >>they call me a >> >>bitch. >> >>When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts >> >>or do things my own way, they call me a >> >>bitch. >> >>Being a bitch >> >>means I won't >> >>compromise what's >> >>in my heart. >> >>It means I live my life >> >>MY way. >> >>It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. >> >>When I refuse to >> >>tolerate injustice and >> >>speak against it, I am >>defined as a >> >>bitch. >> >>The same thing happens when I take time for >> >>myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. >> >>It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly >>am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be. >> >>I am outspoken, >> >>opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong >>with that! >> >>So ! try to stomp on me, >> >>try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold >>within me. >> >>You won't succeed. >> >>And if that makes me a bitch , >> >>so be it. >> >>I embrace the title and >> >>am proud to bear it. >> >>B - Babe >>I - In >>T - Total >>C - Control of >>H - Herself >> >>B = Beautiful >>I = Intelligent >>T = Talented >>C = Charming >>H = Hell of a Woman >> >>B = Beautiful >>I = Individual >>T = That >>C = Can >>H = Handle anything >> >>Send t his to 5 women to put a smile on their face!! >>"If you can't do something right, get a woman to do it." >>AMEN!

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES
> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
> has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
> the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
> pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
> The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
> A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got
> in the back-seat by mistake."
> ________________________________________________________________________
> FAMILY
> Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the
> 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
> the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
> The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see" She
> starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
> The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
> her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
> forgetful, knock on wood" She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of
> you as soon as I see who's at the door."
> ________________________________________________________________________
> "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
> Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
> day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
> "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
> And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
> _______________________________________________________________________
> LITTLE LADY:
> A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
> she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
> She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
> she said, "Supersex."
> He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
> soup."
> _______________________________________________________________________
> OLD FRIENDS:
>
> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
> had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
> activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
> One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
> "Now don't get mad at me, I know we've been friends for a long time, but I
> just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
> remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
> Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
> glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
> _______________________________________________________________________
> SENIOR DRIVING
> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
> heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
> Please be careful!"
> "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
> _______________________________________________________________________
> DRIVING
> Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
> over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
> intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
> woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
> could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
> minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
> Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
> almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she
> was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
> enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the
> other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
> three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
> Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"

Dj Kaos
To di World

---

It was a grand event yesterday August 5,2008 as Ruby Tuesday was demolishing the last of its old restaurant, but when the count down ended it was the adjoining "Cheek's" restaurant that fell.

Enjoy!

Click here

---

-- Edited by Kaos at 23:23, 2008-08-06

-- Edited by Kaos at 23:38, 2008-08-06

HER DIARY Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and aloof. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and vacant. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I also fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY Today Lara made 191, he missed the double century by just nine runs! But at least I got laid.

-- Edited by GangstaGentleman at 19:21, 2008-04-26

THE BRIDGE A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly The sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you One desire.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over Anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the Enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required Reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is Hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more Time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker Thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and All men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what She means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly Happy.' The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the
pharmacist; and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the
store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could
help the gentleman.
The cowboy said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional; and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The old cowboy agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of
problems and severe embarra**ment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the
absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses."

A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: Why do you have your tits on your back?; The camel responded: What a silly question from someone who has a di_k on his face! Wife: ;I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!; Husband: I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE every morning! A Chinese couple got married. When baby was born, her eyes were big and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown. Finally, the father named the baby SUM TING RONG A lady visited her doctor one morning. Doc said: You look so weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals 3 times a day as I advised? Lady : Doc, I thought you said "3 MALES a day!" Phone rings and the chinese maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing...... When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid replied: MASTUR BATING!

Mi deh yah ah tink and realize seh Jamaican people dem different yuh nuh? Mi love dem ... still dere are some tings yuh woulda neva see wi a do, hear seh wi ah seh or even attempt fi try. Tek fi instance ... Yuh eva see Jamaicans a climb mountain wid flag and claim victory when dem reach de top? Yuh eva see we ah hang out inna di miggle ah di Amazon jungle? Fi wah reason??? you ever see we a jump outta plane wid one parachute or a boast seh we going bungee jumping next Sunday? Yuh eva see we inna sea, bout we looking fi di Great White Shark No sah - wi watch it pon TV Yuh eva hear a J'can in ah Search & Rescue pan mountain. A mi sen dem up mountain? Dem find dem b***bbaraas way up, dem fe find dem way back again. Idiat dem! A nature way fe feed de weak and hungry animal up deh! Yuh eva see a Jamaican acting pon big screen going into a haunted house and asking ... Trevah you in deh?" If him foolish enuf fi go ina di haunted house him an di duppy dem can tan in deh. Yuh eva hear a Jamaican man seh ... "no honey ... no need to cook rice and peas wid oxtail and a little chicken pon a Sunday ... mek wi eat a light salad instead." Try yuh best ... not pon yu life. Yuh eva si a Jamaican come a work an tell everybody dem bizniz ... how dem neva bade dis mawnin, jus brush teet and wash face. Yuh eva si a Jamaican wey luv talk over people food ... put dem face inna it an sey dat looks and smell good? No sah! Dat wi cause fight. Yuh eva see a Jamaican go inna di company fridge and go tek weh next person sangwige and nyam it off? Yuh eva hear Jamaican pickney tell dem madda fi shut up and di Madda go tek seat inna kitchen, tek out cigarette start smoke and seh she nuh know wah fi do wid di pickney? No. One bax cra** him face fi sure. An if dem live inna farign dem sen dem to Jamaica fi di summer and den di odder relatives fix dem bizniz and dem go back wid mannaz. Yuh eva see Jamaican tek meat outta fridge and stick it inna oven widout lickle seasoning? Yuh eva hear Jamaican inna di werk place ah talk bout how much time him wife mek him sleep pon di couch? Crazy tings dat, cause even if she shut di door she expect him fi kick it open. Mi neva hear a Jamaican seh dem woulda rather put dem parents inna retirement home dan mek dem live wid dem. Only those who migrated to foreign lands will do dem tings. Yuh eva see Jamaican people a cook and dem stir di pot, taste di food and put di same spoon right back inna di pot an nuh wash it off??? Yuh eva si a Jamaican have dem dog a lick dem face? Yuh mad? Yuh eva see yawd ppl have dem dog sleep inna di same bed wid dem? Or dawg inna di couch and when dawg get up dem go lay down innna di same couch inna di same spat? Yuh eva see yawd people kiss dem dawg pon di mout? Yuh eva hear seh yawd people tek 5 days off from work because dem P** dead? Yuh eva hear a Jamaican madda innna a store a tell dem pickney "no sweetheart, you can't have that, please put it back on the shelf" Instead, yuh will hear someting like dis ... "lissen yah pickney, mi nah walk a street an pick up money, put dung di blassted sweetie dem an no badda mi peace tiday, yuh hear mi"? Yuh eva see Jamaican do any wuk afta dem get pay pon Friday. All di manager dem a play domino round a back, not to mention ludo and draft. We a Jamaican ... ah suh wi d'weet. Wi nuh normal .. wi well different from all odda peoples! A so di ting set. A so di ting stay.

Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed.

So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says "I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful."

James said "Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day."

Ron was so jealous "Your day was so much better than mine... did you get a blow job?"

"Nope" James replied, "I couldn't find her head!"

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room
temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to
conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO
any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes
explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane
source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element
rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.



Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form.
Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly.
Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.
Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely
good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing
agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced
hands.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a hallowe'en party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple!"

A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.

"This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs." Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.

"He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter."
The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.

"That's fantastic," said the customer.

"And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.
Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.

"Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!"

When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic."

He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch and listen."

He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.

"Let me try it," said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!"

Some good put-downs...ya' never know when you'll need one!

I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you --it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person.

Are your parents cousins?

Your teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter.

Nice face...what are you going to do when the baboon wants his ass back?

Oh my God, look at you! Anyone else hurt in the accident?

What other problems do you have besides being unemployed, a moron and a dork?

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll down) What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to your mails. ............I don't know about you sometimes!

Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"

"Wait a minute...I get it.. what time of the month is it?"

"shut up and go clean the kitchen!"

Actually, it really does make you look fat


This isn't how "Hustler" told me you would respond!

You're just a woman


"What are you going to do? Kick me in the nards?"

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "MAN, That is the ugliest baby I've EVER seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."
"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

How do I get across that river?
A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.

"How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.

The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!
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How to get across the river

A blonde once got lost near a river. She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side.

She tried walking in the shallow part of the river, and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.

After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her--across the bridge.
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I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Are You Really Sure?

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

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Rowing Your Boat

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
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Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz
Consul : Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul : I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels
Consul : Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul : Man,........ isn't it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul : Oh.......... dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

[youtube=http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=Dh2uwZvI9GI]