http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAoBVCn671A



-- Edited by dj slr at 00:22, 2008-08-16

i hope the pic here.

                                   pt.1









                                   pt.2



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwiMIc6aRuI


-- Edited by dj slr at 14:14, 2008-08-15

Airport Security: What's your Name.
Passenger: Batman
Airport Security: Your real name please
Passenger: My name is Bat-Man
Airport Security: Are you trying to be funny? What is your family name
Passenger: Superman
Airport Security handcuffs him & puts him into a locked security room
-
Then they checked his Passport...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.

"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"

"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house." So the bartender gives him another triple scotch and again he gulps it down. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...BAD DOG!"

A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''

The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''
------------------

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''

The blond yelled at the doctor...
''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!''
------------------

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.
The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.

So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

[youtube=http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=nXBqQvkd-0w]

The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1...What are you thinking about?
2...Do you love me?
3...Do I look fat?
4...Do you think she is prettier than me?
5...What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth).

As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following: a...Baseball. b...Football. c...How fat you are. d...How much prettier she is than you. e...How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a...Oh Yeah, crap loads. b...Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c...That depends on what you mean by love. d...Does it matter? e...Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a...Compared to what? b...I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c...A little extra weight looks good on you. d...I've seen fatter. e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

a...Yes, but you have a better personality. b...Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c...Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d...Define pretty. e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with...

The other is used to carry groceries.

One day a young Jamaican body builder who loved to tan himself looked down on his dick and saw that it was the only area of his body that wasnt chocolate brown, so he decided that the next day he would go to the beach and get a tan on his dick. The next day he put on his trunks and lay down on his towel on the sand, put some suntan lotion on his penis and left it out to tan. Two old ladies were walking by and the one called Mary said,"But kiss mi ra** Martha, yuh nuh si mi dying trial?" So naturally martha waan know a wah. Mary seh,"When mi a twenty mi fraid fi it, when mi a thirty mi curious bout it, when mi a forty mi caan get enuff a it, when mi a fifty mi beg fi it, when mi a sixty mi pay fi it. And now mi a seventy, di f**king sinting dem a grow wild an mi cyant ben dung.

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

This is probably what the first day was like on Highway 2000: Toll Booth Collector: Morning sir, the toll will be $55. Skinny the Taxi man: $55 unda yuh Mumma! Yuh know how long mi a drive pon dis yah road yah and now oonu want come charge man fi drive pon we owna road. Is kill oonu want kill off poor people! Mi naw pay dat! TB Collector: Sir, you don't have a choice, please pay the toll or I'll be forced to call the officer standing right over there. Skinny: Which officer yuh a talk bout? Weh part him deh? TB Collector: Yuh see the officer standing over there with the gold-teeth, the dark glasses, the bend-up face, and the M-16? Yes dat same one? Skinny: Awhoah. A just choo mi car overload and mi nuh want di ugly police bwoy come say nuttn to mi ennuh. Otherwise mi wouldn't pay yuh a cent. Oonu is ole tief and ole vampire come fi *u*k out poor people *lo**. TB Collector: Next! Rambo the Minivan Driver: Excuse mi Mam, but mi nuh really understand this whole toll ting yah ennuh. Is why we haffi a pay toll when wi done arready pay motor vehicles taxes and all kinda other taxes? TB Collector: I cant really answer that question for you sir. Please send a letter to your MP or Councillor and let them deal with that ... in the meantime you need to pay the toll of $165. Rambo: But what a gal facety doah eeh? Old country tuff face gal, mi was just asking yuh a simple question. Yuh Mumma never teach yuh how fi chat to people? But a wonder a who dis likkle dry up gal a come tek fi likkle bwoy doah sah? If ah wasn't in a good mood dis mawning yuh see ... TB Collector: Sir are you going to pay the toll or should I call Office Trigger Happy to come talk to you? Rambo: (Throws the money at her) See di money deh!! Nyam it! Yuh face bend up like backa hog! Passengers in the Minivan: (Gal go s**k yuh Mumma!) (Go jooce yuh Puppa) (Batti gal doan come a Spanish Town mek mi see yuh!)(Old lesbian!) TB Collector: Next! Kenny Smooth, the Escalade Driver: Hey baby ... yuh like my car? TB Collector: That's a large SUV, okay sir the toll on that will be $110. Kenny: Is how yuh a mek it look a way so baby? Talk to mi Sweetie. What time yuh get off, I could wait for yuh and take you for a spin in the Escalade here. Yeah, mi see di likkle smile a creep up pon yuh face. Smile man, mi know yuh want smile! Talk di truth, you've been dying to ride in one of these nuh true? It have nuff leg room for your nice long sexy legs. Comfortable leather seats and a banging 5-CD stereo system! TB Collector: (Smiling) Listen to me, your mouth is too sweet. Is so yuh lyrics off every woman yuh meet, nuh true? Anway, mi coulda never talk to yuh sound too girly, girly. Plus is 8:00 o'clock ina di morning and I don't get off 'til 4:00 this evening. Kenny: (flashing his smile, gold teeth everywhere) Arright, then I'll come back round about 4:00 come pick yuh up, seen! TB Collector: I don't know ... I'll see, why don't yuh give me your cell number and I'll call. Kenny: (lying his ass off) Listen, my cell is in the cell shop and them nuh get di parts from farin yet, you gimme your number. (She writes the number on a piece of paper) TB Collector: Look di people dem blowing dem horn, so yuh have to pay di toll and gwan through. Kenny: Do mi a favor nuh ... yuh can pay di toll fi mi and when mi come back fi pick yuh up later mi pay yuh back. Mi have one Nanny and mi nuh want bruk it. TB Collector: But see yah ... then is how yuh a drive big Jeep and nuh have no money. (Grabs her phone number back from his hand.) Look here likkle bruk pocket bwoy, try go carry back people vehicle go gi dem and pay di da-mn toll and galong bout yuh business. Pauperizing no r**s! Uncle Hector the Tractor Trailer Driver: (Blowing his truck horns at Kenny in front of him) CRATCHES! Pis-sn tail cratches! Stop look front from di money collector woman and hurry up and galong through di blasted toll booth. Man deh pon borrow time right yah now. Move man! Move! TB Collector: Thank you sir. That will be $165 for the big rig. Uncle Hector: (Managing to pull his eyes away from the woman's breast) Yuh is a nice looking lady yuh know. Back ina my prime I would love to runkus a woman like you. (Grins, showing his 4 remaining brown tobacco-stained teeth.) TB Collector: Thanks for the compliment, but I only date men who were born in this century and have all a dem teeth! Next! Prudence the Business Executive: (pulling up in her Benz) Excuse me! Am I to understand that there is a different weight class and corresponding toll for each vehicle, and if so are there any exceptions been made for luxury cars such as mine? 'Cause you know I have traveled the world, and the toll system in other countries. TB Collector: Look here Ms. World Traveler, di da-mn toll is $55 fi yuh 'f**k and get' cyar. If yuh too bruk fi pay it mi undastan. Cause some a oonu when oonu start get old and oonu cratches start dryup, man stop mind oonu. Prudence: Well, I never! How rude! Do you know who my husband is? TB Collector: Probably one a di man dem who a pick up wh-ore a town and carry dem a motel a Portmore go ketch gonorrhea ... when yuh feeling yuh strange itching and scratching and yuh get stressed out doan come tek it out pon people out a road! Go tek it put pon yuh husband! Fifty-five dollars please, yuh holding up di line! Thanks! Next! Doofie, the Village Idiot: (Walking up to the toll booth). Is oomuch fi pay fi walk through di gate Mam? TB Collector: Doofie, you don't have to pay to walk through, but be careful walking on the highway and nuh mek none a dem mad driver yah lick yuh wid dem vehicle. Okay! Have a Good Day!

This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.

Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake. Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said, " Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!"

The new groom said, "well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea." The second old man said, " well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? everybody's doing it these days." The groom says, "yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."

The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."

The groom says " I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea." The two old men look at each other and at the same time they say, "Daggone Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did ya marry her for?!"

He said "Well she's also got worms,... And I dooo looove to Fish!!

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!: "I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical". "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works." "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING". Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?" "I HEARD YOU." "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again." "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"
"Man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great!" says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...
So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
Just remember, it's our little secret...
You know, woman to woman."

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"

He says "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?" "You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"

"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!" "Well, are you taking somebody else out?"

"You know I don't have a date, Sis. " "And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her brother nods. She continues, "So we should go with each other."

The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening he will take her to the prom. Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.

"Hey, brother, let's dance. "

He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"

"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?"

"Oh . . . all right. "

So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.

In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, "Let's not go straight home."

He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."

He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says "Want to find some place to park?"

"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!"

"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us-- how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"

So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.

"Hey . . . " she says.

"What?"

"Why don't you kiss me?"

"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister! "And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.

She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."

"Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.

"You know what," his sister replied.

"I can't do that with you, you're my. . . " His voice trailed off.

While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."

"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."

Why do women talk more than men, and why are men smarter than women?

Because women have four lips and men have two heads!

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

The Top Ten Things Men Know About Women:

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

(ATTENTION... if you don't get it, seek help fast :)

Originally posted here...

 blind man applies for a job at a saw mill.

The owner interviewing him asks him what kind of a job he is interested in. The blind man says "Inspecting wood."
The owner laughs and says "But you're blind!"

The blind man replies, "Test me! I can sniff any wood and tell you what it is."

The owner agrees, and gives him a piece of wood to smell, "Tell me what kind of wood this is."

The blind man plainly replies "It's pine."

The owner looking surprised grabs another piece and sticks it under the blind mans nose. The blind man says it is mohagany.

The owner thinks for a bit, then says, "I have one more piece for you to smell."

He gets his secretary to sit spread-eagle on his desk and he asks the blind man what kind it is, pushing his head toward the secretary's crotch.

The blind man replies, "Wwwhheeeeewwwwww wwwwweeeeeee!
Thats the shit-house door off of a tuna trolley!"

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (C****ined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Three men meet up on the deck of the rapidly sinking Titanic, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Social Worker. They notice that there are only three seats left on the last lifeboat and there are three children standing nearby. Social worker - "We should give these seats to the children". Lawyer - "Dont be stupid, f**k the children!" Catholic priest - "Do you really think we've got time"?

---

St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven.

He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?"

The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black , Muslim to be elected President of the United States "

St. Peter says, "The U.S. ? A black , Muslim President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?"

Obama says, "About twenty minutes ago."

"The picture below/attached is of one of the mystery 'products' from the shipment and was taken at the lab just before testing commenced.

We will update this story as soon as there is more to report as indeed the entire world of track and field anxiously awaits WADA's report...

 

http://www.zshare.net/download/168688713c61f9ae/

-- Edited by chadutd at 23:05, 2008-08-10

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MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and pretty. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room she said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?" He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary who was quite witty said, "Why no Mr. Smith. All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."

http://www.zshare.net/download/16870628de7f54ec/

http://www.zshare.net/download/16873316edc6140e/

One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor. After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?" "Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously. "Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!" "Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company." About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?" "I'm right year Doc," he said. "Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!" "Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M." A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?" "Right here docta," he said. "Wonderful news! It's-" "Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

snake-dontusethemouth.mp3 - 4.58MB

-- Edited by STAINLESS at 07:26, 2008-05-15

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.
12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.
19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.
20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle.

life is one big road with a lots of sign

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

St. Peter came to the Lord and said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we didn't have many Jamaicans in heaven so you instituted an affirmative action plan and we are supposed to have 10,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are causing so many problems!

They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them. They have let in another 10,000 of their bredrin through the fence. They are constantly standing by the gate disturbing Angel Gabriel begging for "bly" for their cousin, sistren, neighbour, granny, auntie ... Whenever it is their turn to watch the gates they keep letting in good looking women and fat women.

They have stolen my harp. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes. Drum pan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one wing because they are "styling".

Angels must have two wings to fly! Some of them have put chrome wings and are dazzling the other angels when they are flying. The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they arrived because they didn't come to heaven do "day's work". Some have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean because "dem ah no helper".

Many who came here because they used salt are still using it because they don't like "ital" food. Some refuse to wear their halos because they don't fit right overt heir hairstyles. Others are wearing their halos backways. Others are wearing their halos with the tags still attached to them. Others have discarded the white halos and are wearing gold ones instead they claim these are "bashy" Most of the women have discarded their white robes and are wearing white shorts and " riders" claiming that they have pretty skin and want: to show off their "bandy legs"

Reggae music is blasted at all hours of night at their "bashments", disturbing all the other residents. Their cellular phones are worn on their robes and keep ringing during prayers. Recently there was an altercation between Adam and one Jamaican who claims he was only "checking" Eve. They have planted marijuana in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile claiming "man and man haffi hustle".

What should I do?!" The Lord said, "It wouldn't be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with them; maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone who has more experience dealing with them. Let's call the Devil.

The Devil answered the phone and said, "Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?" The Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you about it." The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to put you on hold." The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said, "Well, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here." Once again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes. Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, "Lord, I am really sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. Have to go. These damm Jamaicans down here ... yesterday they just had air conditioning put in. Now they have just put out the hell's fire! saying "man come to hell to "cool out"!

HAHAHA

1 ra** BITE FI U LOL AH GOOD YOW AN DI p*u**yY HENG AAN PON DI MAN NOSE INNO STAR LOL BUMBBAAAAAAAAAA

A Professor is sent to africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spent years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. one day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. the tribe is shocked, and the chief pull the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It does'nt take a genius to figure out what happen.
        The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. what you have here is natural occurance, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at the field over there. all of the sheep are white expect for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
        The chief was silent for a moment, and then said, "Tell you what, You dont say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anyhting , more about that white child.