Forum: Funny Stuff
Share all jokes here, funny pics etc...(PS...warn members of uncensored/adult jokes)
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."
Why Latina Women Need Therapy !!! Phone Call Latina Mother: 'Hello?' Daughter: 'Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?' Latina Mother: 'You're going out?' Daughter: 'Yes.' Latina Mother: 'With whom?' Daughter: 'With a friend.' Latina Mother: 'I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.' Daughter: 'MOM, I didn't leave him. He left me!' Latina Mother: 'You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.' Daughter: 'MA, I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?' Latina Mother: 'I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.' Daughter: 'There are lots of things that you did and I don't.' Latina Mother: 'What are you hinting at?' Daughter: 'Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight..' Latina Mother: 'You're going to stay the night with him?What will your husband say if he finds out?' Daughter: 'MA its My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered.>From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!' Latina Mother: 'So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?' Daughter: 'MOM, He's not a loser.' Latina Mother: 'A man who goes out with a divorced woman with childrenis a loser and a parasite.' Daughter: 'MA, I don't want to argue; should I bring over the kids or not?' Latina Mother: 'Poor children with such a mother.' Daughter: 'Such a what?' Latina Mother: 'With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.' Daughter: 'ENOUGH MA!!!' Latina Mother: 'Don't scream at me. You probably scream at the loser too!' Daughter: 'Great MA, Now you're worried about the loser?' Latina Mother: 'Ah, so you see he is a loser and I spotted him immediately.' Daughter: 'Goodbye, mother.' Latina Mother: 'Wait! Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over? ' Daughter: 'I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!' Latina Mother: 'If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! 'But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! 'But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
>> > Your last name stays put.
>> > The garage is all yours.
>> > Wedding plans take care of themselves.
>> > Chocolate is just another snack.
>> > You can never be pregnant.
>> > You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
>> > You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
>> > Car mechanics tell you the truth.
>> > The world is your urinal.
>> > You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
>> > You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
>> > Same work, more pay.
>> > Wrinkles add character.
>> > Wedding dress Ł2000. Tux rental-Ł100.
>> > People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
>> > The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
>> > New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
>> > One mood all the time.
>> > Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
>> > You know stuff about tanks.
>> > A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
>> > You can open all your own jars.
>> > You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
>> > If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
>> > Your underwear is Ł4.95 for a three-pack.
>> > Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
>> > You almost never have strap problems in public.
>> > You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
>> > Everything on your face stays its original colour.
>> > The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
>> > You only have to shave your face and neck.
>> > You can play with toys all your life.
>> > One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour for all seasons.
>> > You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
>> > You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
>> > You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
>> > You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
>> > No wonder men are happier.
>> > The garage is all yours.
>> > Wedding plans take care of themselves.
>> > Chocolate is just another snack.
>> > You can never be pregnant.
>> > You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
>> > You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
>> > Car mechanics tell you the truth.
>> > The world is your urinal.
>> > You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
>> > You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
>> > Same work, more pay.
>> > Wrinkles add character.
>> > Wedding dress Ł2000. Tux rental-Ł100.
>> > People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
>> > The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
>> > New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
>> > One mood all the time.
>> > Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
>> > You know stuff about tanks.
>> > A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
>> > You can open all your own jars.
>> > You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
>> > If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
>> > Your underwear is Ł4.95 for a three-pack.
>> > Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
>> > You almost never have strap problems in public.
>> > You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
>> > Everything on your face stays its original colour.
>> > The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
>> > You only have to shave your face and neck.
>> > You can play with toys all your life.
>> > One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour for all seasons.
>> > You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
>> > You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
>> > You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
>> > You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
>> > No wonder men are happier.
- When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making
love and you catch something, that's bad.
- Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how
many other fish you caught.
- In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the
one you caught.
- You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still
be friends after you let it go.
- You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
- You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman
you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
- Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
love and you catch something, that's bad.
- Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how
many other fish you caught.
- In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the
one you caught.
- You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still
be friends after you let it go.
- You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
- You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman
you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
- Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a Jamaican Rastaman.
They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained it.
The word they were given was " Timbuktu". First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate.
He stepped up to the microphone and said:
"Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels two by two,
Destination - Timbuktu. "
The crowd went crazy! No way could the Rastaman top that, they thought.
The Rastaman calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
"Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu ."
The Rastaman won!
They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained it.
The word they were given was " Timbuktu". First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate.
He stepped up to the microphone and said:
"Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels two by two,
Destination - Timbuktu. "
The crowd went crazy! No way could the Rastaman top that, they thought.
The Rastaman calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
"Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu ."
The Rastaman won!
THIS WAS VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2006 For his birthday, little Joseph >asked for a 10-speed bicycle . His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, >but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 your mother just lost her job . >There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph >heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are >you going?' little Joseph told him ; ' I was walking past your room last >night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell >you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying >here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!'.
-- Edited by Garrick at 05:07, 2008-08-31
Straight A's Student
The white women tun to the chiney and sey See my daughter, she is straight A student, artistic and could be the
next Van Gogh
To this the chiney replied Oh, see my daughter, she is a straight As student and also very artistic; she could be the next Johann Sebastian Bach and a great scientist in the making. Who knows, She could find the cure for Aids".
The Jamaican said Well my daughter has di top ten average in this country. She is athletic, she can be the next Merlene Ottey, she is a great scientist, maybe she can find the cure fi canca, and she is also artistic, she can be the next Michael Angelo or Mozart."
The chiney and white woman tun to him ah sey wow!!! how does she do it
well she has great inspiration from me" said the Jamaican woman.
I should think so the white woman replied.
Thats great" the chiney replied, but how do you go about this?
Well its simple psychology really ... if she walk through mi door with a failing grade, as sure as di the canca inna Bob Marley likkle toe she know mi a go bus har ra**!
Nuh Ramp Wid Yardie - Breakfast Conversation - Jamaican and a Trini
A Jamaican is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissant, bread, butter and jam when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Jamaican ignores the Trini who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:
Trini: "You Jamaican folk eat the whole bread??"
Jamaican: (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Trini: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In
Trinidad , we only eat what's inside. The crusts, we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Jamaicans." The Trini has a smirk on his face. The Jamaican listens in silence.
The Trini persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
The Jamaican: "Of course."
Trini: (cracking his gum between his teeth and
chuckling). "We don't... In Trinidad we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, and then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell
the jam to the Jamaicans."
The Jamaican then asks: "Do you have sex in Trinidad ?"
Trini: "Why of course we do", the Trini says with a big smirk.
Jamaican: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Trini: "We throw them away, of course."
Jamaican: "We don't. In Jamaica , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Trinidad ."
A Jamaican is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissant, bread, butter and jam when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Jamaican ignores the Trini who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:
Trini: "You Jamaican folk eat the whole bread??"
Jamaican: (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Trini: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In
Trinidad , we only eat what's inside. The crusts, we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Jamaicans." The Trini has a smirk on his face. The Jamaican listens in silence.
The Trini persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
The Jamaican: "Of course."
Trini: (cracking his gum between his teeth and
chuckling). "We don't... In Trinidad we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, and then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell
the jam to the Jamaicans."
The Jamaican then asks: "Do you have sex in Trinidad ?"
Trini: "Why of course we do", the Trini says with a big smirk.
Jamaican: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Trini: "We throw them away, of course."
Jamaican: "We don't. In Jamaica , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Trinidad ."
A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of Dunn's River Falls
when she stumbled upon an old empty bottle. She picked it up and
rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.
She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish. She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three
wishes if she ever found a Genie. The Genie said,
"Nope, sorry, three-wish genies nuh real, me is strictly a ONE-WISH genie...... So... is wah yuh want?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map, I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I
want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony. "
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lawd Lady, A wah wrang wid yu?
PLEASE BE REASONABLE! Dem countries yah a war fi how much thousan
a years. Mi shut up inna dis bockle fi 'bout five hundred a dem dey years.
Mi good but mi nuh dat good! Mi nuh know if mi can grant dis one.
Du Lady, mek annadda wish!! Mi a beg yuh... Be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been
able to find the right Jamaican man... You know, one that is considerate
and fun, likes to dance and helps with the cooking & house-cleaning,
and is FAITHFUL. That's what I wish for...a good Jamaican man.
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Mek mi see di map again!!!!"
when she stumbled upon an old empty bottle. She picked it up and
rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.
She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish. She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three
wishes if she ever found a Genie. The Genie said,
"Nope, sorry, three-wish genies nuh real, me is strictly a ONE-WISH genie...... So... is wah yuh want?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map, I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I
want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony. "
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lawd Lady, A wah wrang wid yu?
PLEASE BE REASONABLE! Dem countries yah a war fi how much thousan
a years. Mi shut up inna dis bockle fi 'bout five hundred a dem dey years.
Mi good but mi nuh dat good! Mi nuh know if mi can grant dis one.
Du Lady, mek annadda wish!! Mi a beg yuh... Be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been
able to find the right Jamaican man... You know, one that is considerate
and fun, likes to dance and helps with the cooking & house-cleaning,
and is FAITHFUL. That's what I wish for...a good Jamaican man.
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Mek mi see di map again!!!!"
TALENTED CHINESE GIRLS...DEM MAD!!! [KRAZILY TALENTED]
August 28, 2008
Started By Krazily Insane — 10 Comments
Funny Video about the fastest man on the planet lmao
August 30, 2008
Started By selecta absolute — 2 Comments
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzSpPaCIG0g
A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said
"Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"
When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy ... it's pretty damn smart.
Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b*t*h knows I'm smarter than her.
MALE VS. FEMALE AT A DRIVE THRU ATM MACHINE DIS MAD!!![KRAZILY INSANE]
August 27, 2008
Started By Krazily Insane — 10 Comments
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*****************
**************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow
easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*****************
**************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow
easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a f**king jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a *u*ker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherf**kers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while f**king. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their
parents knew all about it.
If any mischief occurred in their town,
the two boys were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher
in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he
would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see
them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming
voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know
where God is, son?'
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he
made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated
the question in
an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to
answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in
the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the
room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door
behind him.
When his older brother found him in the
closet, he asked, 'What happened?'
;
The younger brother, gasping for breath,
replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time,' (I just LOVE reading this
next line again and again:)
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, go ahead, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?"
A Playa has 4 different types of girls...
1. Wifey
2. Baby Girl
3. Side Piece
4. Jump Off
1) Wifey is the sexiest, most successful and most respected of all the women. She is loved, needed and wanted by her man...she is VIRTUALLY IRREPLACEABLE. She is the girl that the guy loves and will always love, he never wants to see her with another man...BUT he will cheat on her with Baby Girl until he is mature enough to realize that if he gets caught or f--ks up in any way and loses Wifey, he would be screwed, and NEVER be happy again. Wifey gets along with mom, is independent, never nags, loves to dress sexy for her man, can cook and loves to keep a clean house. Wifey gets called 5 or 6 times a day. Drawback of Wifey, she loves public displays of affection...which might interfere with the acquisition of a Side Piece.2) Baby Girlis ALWAYS just as hot as wifey and usually has a very active social life...she IS replaceable, thinks she's the next Wifey, but will only be Wifey if an extreme disaster takes place. Baby Girl gets some of the benefits of Wifey, like quality time every now and then and even presents on birthdays and holidays, but that's as far as it goes. The main reason to have Baby Girl is in case Wife really really f--ks up, she can be replaced in a matter of weeks because Baby Girl has been groomed to slip right into her spot. Be careful of Baby Girl, she tends to be just as attached as Wifey and therefore can be dangerous to the Side Piece. Biggest benefit of Baby Girl...she is extremely private and hates causing a scene, baby girl can come into the same restaurant as you and wifey and wifey will have no idea you two even know each other. Baby Girl is a master of disguise as well.
3) Side Piece, usually a female that the guy uses only for sex and other pleasures, she is usually the one that he goes to for that 3-some or some late night head after the club. When Wifey is acting up and Baby Girl is at work, the Side Piece is usually the one to hold him over for
a few hrs. He can meet with the Side Piece for reasons other than sex, but normally that only happens one week during the month. Side Pieces are hard to spot when they are out because most of her friends are either Wifey's or Jump Offs. Drawback of having more than one side piece, they usually know each other somehow...we kinda think there is a side piece network.com or something. Try to keep your side piece count below 4 if possible.
4) Jump Off...every mans dream and worst nightmare. She is trying to move up in life, wants to be a Side Piece or Wifey but doesn't know how to go about it. They are just the girls he hollas at when he is with his boys...she is usually stored in the cell phone by a nickname because he barely remembers her real name and where he met her...he only recalls how fat her ass was. The Jump Off gets called in emergencies only, when wifey is moody, baby girl is on vacation and side piece is with her baby's father. The Jump Off is extremely dangerous in public for a number of reasons, she is usually 5 other guys jump off as well, so she might cause drama with you and one of those dudes if you slip up, she also has no problem confronting you in the mall when you are with Wifey (something that baby girl would NEVER do) and the most dangerous thing about Jump Off...she ALWAYS seems to find out where you live and or work.
A Pimpstress has FOUR KINDS OF MEN
THE HUSBAND
He is the sweetest, loving, kind man you know. His intellect makes him sexy although he is handsome. He treats you like a queen and puts you first. He takes care of the kids, you and home. This is the man you love coming home to. He spoils you with gifts and is a hard worker.
THE BOO
This one is sexy as hell! This is the dude that you've known for years, kinda your homey-lover-friend! No matter who is in your life or who is in his life, you and your BOO seem to always have a thing for each other. Your BOO has a wifey, so he has as much to lose as you do, therefore you are guaranteed that ya'll relationship is on the 'DL'. You run to your BOO when your husband F up! Your BOO gives you comfort and the sex is da bomb, which explains why you can't leave him alone!
THE MAINTENANCE MAN
This is Mr. Wine and Dine. He has the charm, the romance and a body like a stripper! He is the one you call every now an then when HUSBAND and BOO done pissed you off! He really wants to be your HUSBAND or BOO on the low but he knows his role. HUSBAND will never suspect a thing because this man is the deacon at your church and well respected in the community so no one would know of ya'll secret love affair. You sneak and go on trips and getaways. He keeps that bank account tight.
THE RUFF NECK
This is the man we fantasize about when HUSBAND, BOO and THE MAINTENANCE man just not doing it for you! This is Mr. Bad Boy, he got the body from hell, the tattoos, and the motorcycle. You call on him when you want your back blown out, the bottom hit, and you want to walk bow legged for a couple days. He is the man HUSBAND sees and knows he needs to get on the treadmill to lose those extra pounds he has gained since ya'll been married. THE RUFF NECK is the one that rock the suits in the day and trade the Armani in for tims and jeans at night. He is pulled out in emergencies only and you can't resist to get your freak on in the craziest places, (in the car, the back of a vacant building, etc.) because his main goal is to tear it up! THE RUFF NECK is in your cell phone as one of your homegirls named Tee-Tee!
An 18-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit. The test results show that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, and a mature, distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her three stores, two townhouses, a beach villa, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, I will leave a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:
"You'll sleep with her again!!!"
http://www.ucbcomedy.com/videos/play/1195
Jerky boys prank calls - naked wife photos(MMMMMMMAAADDD FUNNY)
August 24, 2008
Started By dappa75 — 8 Comments
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the pic ture i n focus. Frustrated,
she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the pic ture i n focus. Frustrated,
she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
this shit is goood!!!!
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and
beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman
shakes her head no.
'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies out of her m outh.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it.'
beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman
shakes her head no.
'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies out of her m outh.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it.'
According to some research this is the funniest joke in the world:
Here goes: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.
In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a
girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about
anything.
So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one
thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her.
She was so ambitious; she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a
girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about
anything.
So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one
thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her.
She was so ambitious; she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
Man rules 'D ultimate truth' fellas hoolla ladies plz read!!
November 9, 2007
Started By johnnypistol — 5 Comments
The Man 's Rules-------------------
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules'
from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what
we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We
have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...
Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules'
from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what
we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We
have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...
Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons,
where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy.
Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, Wow, he's a lucky one.
Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top
button...A-bomb.
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty
but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected
only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two
would call much later in the day.
At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The
nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's
pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night
was her nagging voice saying, Youre not sanitary, and youre not sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.
The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast
as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back
in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as
their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I
heard last night was her nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your
three minutes are up."
Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be
calling any minute.
Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The
man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only
his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and
legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked What happened to you? Did you have a
fight?"
The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry
a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We
are going to do this over and over, until we get right."
where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy.
Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, Wow, he's a lucky one.
Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top
button...A-bomb.
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty
but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected
only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two
would call much later in the day.
At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The
nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's
pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night
was her nagging voice saying, Youre not sanitary, and youre not sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.
The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast
as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back
in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as
their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I
heard last night was her nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your
three minutes are up."
Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be
calling any minute.
Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The
man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only
his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and
legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked What happened to you? Did you have a
fight?"
The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry
a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We
are going to do this over and over, until we get right."
Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew
very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third
degree examination.
"How old are you?" he asked.
"None of your business," replied his mother, shortly.
"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"
"That's not your business either, young man."
The boy thinks a minute, and then delivers his final bombshell. "Well then,
can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?"
Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper.
The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I know!" says
his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you
everything you want to know."
Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her
driver's license. "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she yells.
"Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective,
"but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh
145 pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."
very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third
degree examination.
"How old are you?" he asked.
"None of your business," replied his mother, shortly.
"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"
"That's not your business either, young man."
The boy thinks a minute, and then delivers his final bombshell. "Well then,
can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?"
Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper.
The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I know!" says
his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you
everything you want to know."
Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her
driver's license. "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she yells.
"Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective,
"but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh
145 pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."
Wrong number......Very funny....lol....lol...pree
August 21, 2008
Started By gullygallis — 9 Comments
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' He asked.**
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ..**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
*No, I think you have the wrong number.......*
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' He asked.**
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ..**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
*No, I think you have the wrong number.......*
How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
It has been reported that there has been a terrible outbreak of Yellow Fever (disambiguation). This particular strain is sometimes known as the American Plague. The outbreak started in Beijing, the Bird's Nest Olympic stadium to be exact, however sources have linked its origin to the tiny island of Jamaica in the Caribbean Sea.
The virus seems to have been transmitted by a set of Jamaican athletes participating in the Beijing Olympics in particular one by the name of Usain Bolt. At first the virus infected 91,000 people a few days ago but it is a quickly spread to millions of persons worldwide. The symptoms include:
ˇ Spontaneous & uncontrollable dancing fits especially Nuh Linga & Gully Creeper
ˇ The need to wear yellow clothing & wave Jamaican flags
ˇ Screaming uncontrollably at your TV
ˇ Shock, awe & speechlessness
Many victims have become crazed and can be seen running on the streets all over Jamaica acting like they have just won a 100m race at the Olympics in 9.69 seconds.
Although most victims suffer from these symptoms it does seem to have different effects on some persons in particular Americans, these include:
ˇ Badmind
ˇ Grudgefulness
ˇ Envy
ˇ A general uncontrollable hating of all things Jamaican
Additionally, American victims seem to be unable to grasp many things such as batons and the fact that people can actually run fast without performance enhancing drugs.
So far scientists have been unable to find a cure and it is feared that the entire world will be infected in a matter of days. The long term prognosis is not good either, as it is feared that there is another generation of Jamaican athletes that have this deadly virus in their system and will be unleashing it on the world in even more record doses.
The only hope anybody has, to remain immune, is to stop watching television (except for NBC), stay off the internet and move as far away from civilized, rational humans as they can, in some remote underdeveloped, mentally retarded place such as the USA.
The virus seems to have been transmitted by a set of Jamaican athletes participating in the Beijing Olympics in particular one by the name of Usain Bolt. At first the virus infected 91,000 people a few days ago but it is a quickly spread to millions of persons worldwide. The symptoms include:
ˇ Spontaneous & uncontrollable dancing fits especially Nuh Linga & Gully Creeper
ˇ The need to wear yellow clothing & wave Jamaican flags
ˇ Screaming uncontrollably at your TV
ˇ Shock, awe & speechlessness
Many victims have become crazed and can be seen running on the streets all over Jamaica acting like they have just won a 100m race at the Olympics in 9.69 seconds.
Although most victims suffer from these symptoms it does seem to have different effects on some persons in particular Americans, these include:
ˇ Badmind
ˇ Grudgefulness
ˇ Envy
ˇ A general uncontrollable hating of all things Jamaican
Additionally, American victims seem to be unable to grasp many things such as batons and the fact that people can actually run fast without performance enhancing drugs.
So far scientists have been unable to find a cure and it is feared that the entire world will be infected in a matter of days. The long term prognosis is not good either, as it is feared that there is another generation of Jamaican athletes that have this deadly virus in their system and will be unleashing it on the world in even more record doses.
The only hope anybody has, to remain immune, is to stop watching television (except for NBC), stay off the internet and move as far away from civilized, rational humans as they can, in some remote underdeveloped, mentally retarded place such as the USA.
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