CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS....................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED
TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO...
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

clothes, sah.  An' she jump up on the examination table, lie down and open up har foot dem!
 Den she shout out, 'Help mi! Fi five years now mi never see any man!''          

'Lawd, god man!' exclaimed the doctor, 'Is weh you do?'          

'Mi put drops inna her two eye dem.' replied Obie proudly

Look at the 3 pictures. The more the figures are moving, the more stressed you are. Tests among murder-convicted people has shown that the first eight "circles" are moving very fast round

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, Her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied,'No.' The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.


Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river And disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord my husband has fallen into the river!' The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'I s this your husband?' the Lord asked.

Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied!That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me All three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not Be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I Said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.


The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

A woman was shopping at her local Jamaican supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a head of lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and 1 lb of ackee. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a yardie standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the yardie calmly stated, "yuh mus' be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was equally intrigued by the idren's intuition since she was indeed single. She looked at her items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off her observer to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, I am single. But how on earth did you know that?"

The yardie replied, "Cause yu ugly taa Rass!!!"

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=793_1177592072

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NOT SURE IF THIS HAS BEEN POSTED BUT JUST IN CASE IT HASNT...

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Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy .. .

.. . . You just hoped nobody ever found out!

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP  AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE'.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE c**kPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE'.

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE'.


HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY,' AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..

 THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID  TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

 'I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO' '.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=pPCZ0AYGAJU&feature=related]

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=drMzxSCyd6M]
NOTICE NO BLACK PPL NUH INNA NONE A D CLIP DEM...
I AINT RACIST BUT A D TRUTH

what did saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common?

They both had curds in their whey...........

HOW DO U PUT 9 PIGS IN 8 BOXES ITS VERY EASY

---

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar
territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you
have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of
experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are
really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first
time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin'Bikes.

 

 
A little white boy was watching his mother in the kitchen making a chocolate cake from scratch.
 
While the mother had her head turned, the little white boy went to the table dipped both hands in the chocolate frosting and covered his face with it. The mother turned around to see what the boy was doing and said "Boy, what the hell are you doing?"
 
The son gleefully replied "Look Mama! I'm black!!!"
 
The mother became enraged and slapped the crap out of her son. She then said "Boy, go show your father what you've done!
 
The boy then walked into the den where his father was reading and said "Look Daddy, I'm Black!!"
 
The father put his magazine down with a very puzzled look on his face seeing the chocolate on the boy's face. The father said "Come here, boy!" The boy came to him and the father smacked his son across his head. The father angrily said "Now go show your grandpa what you've done!!!"
 
The boy then slowly walked to his grandpa who was on the porch and said, "Um...Grandpa, Look what I did. I'm black now." The grandfather said gruffly, "COME HERE BOY!" The grandfather took the boy over his knee and proceeded to spank him. That'll teach you! Now go back in the kitchen with your mama!!!
 
The boy walks back in the kitchen and the mother said "I hope you've learned your lesson young man.
 
The boy says with a scowl on his face "Hell yeah! I've been black for 5 minutes and I hate you white mothaf*cka's already!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned
on a night-light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet
and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want
the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat
runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't
want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she
explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going
upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as
we drove away. 'That stupid b*t*h was hiding under the bed. I had to poke
her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I
grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw
her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car

---

Husband says to wife, " My olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear Gold tonight."
His wife replies, " Why don't you wear sliver and cum second for a change?"


If y'all don't get this y'all hard headed.

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.' The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.' About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed With passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?' 'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are.'

This Jamaican guy left for work on Sept. 11 at about 6:00AM to go to his office on the 97th floor in the World Trade Center, kissed his wife and told her he loved her. When he got to Manhattan he went to his lover's apartment in the Village. He turned his cell phone off, and thought of spending some quality hours putting down some good wuck on her. At about 11:00AM, while still at her place tired and overworked, he turned his cell phone on, and a second later it rang. He answered, and it was his wife who was screaming at him, "Where the hell are you? I've been trying to call you for an hour. I've been worried sick about you!!!" He screamed back. What the hell is wrong with you woman, "Where do you think I am? I'm in my office

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1U1TmyCewZk

-- Edited by ssugarlipss at 07:58, 2008-01-04

-- Edited by chadutd at 01:23, 2008-09-01

A blind Jamaican man walks into a little restaurant and sits down.
The owner walks up to him and hands him a menu. ' mi blind, sah, an
caan se fe read de menu' Jus bring mi one fork dat one ah yu customah
use arreddy, an mi will smell it an order fram it.' A little confused,
the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.The blind man puts the
fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. 'Ah, yes, dat's what mi
will 'ave- rice nd peas wid jerk fish!'

Unbelieving, after the blind man leaves, the owner walks towards the
kitchen and tells his Wife Dawn , the cook, what just happened.Several
days later, the blind man returns, and the owner mistakenly brings him a
menu again.'Sir, remembah mi ? mi ah de blind mon.'

'I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork.' The
owner gets a dirty fork for the blind man.After another deep breath, the
blind man says,' Dat smells great! Mi will take de jerk chicken an
rice wid broccoli.'The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around
with him and figures that the next time the man comes in, he's going to
test him.He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him
coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife Dawn to rub the fork on her panties. Dawn does it
and hands her husband the fork.As the blind man walks in and sits down,
the owner is ready and waiting. 'Good afternoon, sir, this time I
remembered you, and I have your fork ready for you..'The blind man puts
the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, 'Rass mon, mi neva know Dawn
wuk yah !'

In response to the 9 words women use.

1. Yeah that's right - Used in response to "Fine" when she already left the room to bolster self confidence.

2. 5 minutes - An empty threat used in frustration to vent anger when waiting for the woman to get ready. Also used a when soliciting a quickie.

3. Nothing - Means that the man wants to be left alone.

4. Go Ahead - This is not permission, but he can't stop you.

5. Loud Sigh - Response after sex when a woman wants to cuddle.

6. That's OK - This is usually said to garner sexual favors but is quickly forgotten afterwards.

7.Thanks - Don't expect him to payback or return the favor.

8. Whatever - A man's way of conceding defeat.

9. Don't worry about it - Worry about it. Something important won't get done.

1/2. Uh Huh - Busted! The man was not listening to you. Also used, yes dear, uhhmm and you don't say.


-- Edited by DJ Romeo at 04:29, 2007-12-20

why men don't baby sit...

DA MADDA YA TUFF

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.



"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."



"One cent?" the man thought.



He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"



"A nickel," the barman replied.



"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"



The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."



The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"



The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?" asked one. "Well... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well... not exactly...." "I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead p*u**yy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.