John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him." "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word âbeautifulâ in the same sentence twice. 

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, âMy father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.â 

âVery good, Suzie,â replied the teacher. 

She then called on little Michael. 

âMy mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,â he said. 

âExcellent, Michael!â 

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. 

âLast night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, âBeautiful, ......just f**king beautiful!ââ

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him. 

"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room." 

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman. 

"I choose this room!" the man says. 

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder. 

"You can go now. I've found your replacement."

Amazing...this dog actually talks...

 

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, Hey you look just like me! 

The other man agrees and asks, Where are you from? 

The first guy answers, Chicago. 

Me too! says the second guy, What street do you live on?

Forty-Ninth Street, answers the first guy.

Me too! says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. What's your address?

''951.

Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?

John and Cathy, says the first guy.

Me too! shouts the second guy. I wonder if we're related!?

Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.

No, says the first bartender, just the Smith twins, drunk again.

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. 

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?" 

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." 

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice girl he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife moved on up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little romp.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog." The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!" The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and *u*k the hot dog like you're *u*king my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!" The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me." So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and *u*ks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back. The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor." The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil........ Just when the clock struck 11.... Scroll down for what happened... Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

http://mithuro.com/presscuefiles/january/beer_goggle.swf

yea

-- Edited by Trimaine at 16:03, 2008-08-20

A Jamaican and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The Jamaican explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the Jamaican insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the Jamaican, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the Jamaican and wife to use. "But we didn't use them", the Jamaican complains.. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. The Manager goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the Jamaican again. "Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the Jamaican replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the Jamaican gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the Jamaican. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the Jamaican replies, "she was here, and you could have."

href="http://www.theonion.com/content/video/tiny_dog_has_been_barking_nonstop?utm_source=embedded_video">Tiny Dog Has Been Barking Nonstop For 6 Years</a>

A news reporter decided to do a column on old Southern stories. He goes to the hills of Kentucky and finds an old guy sitting on his porch. ''Do you have any stories you can share with me?''

The old guy says, ''Of course I do. One time old Bob's goat got loose, so we set up a search team to find it. We sat around and had a few beers and then went looking for it. We found it, then we all screwed it.''

''Well I can't put a story like that in the paper. Do you have any others - maybe a happy story?'' asked the reporter.

''Sure do,'' said the man, ''One time old Bubba's cow got loose. We set up a search party to find it. Once again, we had a few beers, looked for the cow, then we screwed it when we found it.''

''Well, I can't put that in the paper either. Do you have any sad stories?''

''Sure do. One time I got lost!''

ORLANDOBenjamin "Dry Bones" Gray, a drug dealer and former supplier to Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton, expressed bitter disappointment over the centerfielder's all-too-brief career as a heroin addict. "I've never seen anyone like Josh. He was a natural," said Gray, who helped Hamilton hone his drug-abusing talents during a stop with the minor league Orlando Rays. "He did all the little things you just can't teachinjecting between his toes, nodding off wherever, selling all his stuff for money to buy more heroin...The man had everything you need to inject heroin into his body, not to mention crack cocaine. That was the beauty of Josh Hamilton: He could do it all." Asked to describe Hamilton's addiction skill set against the all-time greats, Gray said Hamilton could have been "the next William S. Burroughs."

<embed src="http://www.theonion.com/content/themes/common/assets/videoplayer/flvplayer.swf" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowScriptAccess="always" wmode="transparent" width="400" height="355" flashvars="file=http://www.theonion.com/content/xml/85923/video&autostart=false&image=http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/COP_MEDIUM_article.jpg&bufferlength=3&embedded=true&title=Being%20A%20Detective%20Who%20Talks%20To%20Ghosts%20Not%20As%20Exciting%20As%20It%20Looks%20On%20TV"></embed><br/><a href="http://www.theonion.com/content/video/being_a_detective_who_talks_to?utm_source=embedded_video">Being A Detective Who Talks To Ghosts Not As Exciting As It Looks On TV</a>

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viVAAy_qkx0

For Sale - beautiful pink "vagina couch" that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5' 3" long, 3' 3" wide at the middle, and stands 2' 3" tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home! Call Willow at [deleted] or reply to posting.

-- Edited by chadutd at 20:42, 2008-08-27

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused. "Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow." Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor. "Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

Didn't have to read twice.

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation.  The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.  Den I come.  Den two asses     come together. I come    once-a-more! Two asses,     they come together again.  I come again and pee twice.  Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.  "In this country.
we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.  "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi '."

$1,000.00 says you're gonna read this again!

Genetic Scientists Develop Sheep With Brain Of A Goat

The way Jamaican men see it... Although her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, his wife stayed by his bedside every single day. When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat on the bed beside him he said...

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" The startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

not just in music, i mean the best site of all (after mzja)...

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

A White woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man.
Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess. 'Madam, what is the matter,' the hostess asked. 'You obviously do not see it then?' she responded. 'You placed me next to a black man.' I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat. 'Be calm please,' the hostess replied. 'Almost all the places on this Flight are taken.
 
I will go & see if another place is available.' The Hostess went away and t hen came back a few minutes later. 'Madam, Just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is a seat in the business class.

All the same, we still have one place in the first class.' Before the woman
could say anything, the hostess continued: 'It is not Usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting.' She turned to the black guy, and said, 'Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class.' At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had Just witnessed stood up and applauded. 

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

> > *The average Jamaican man has 4 different types of
> > girls..*
> >
> > **
> >
> > *1. Wifey*
> >
> > *2. Baby Girl*
> >
> > *3. Side Piece*
> >
> > *4. Jump Off*
> >
> > *1) Wifey is the sexiest, most successful and most
> > respected of all the
> > women.*
> >
> > She is loved, needed and wanted by her man.
> >
> > She is VIRTUALLY IRREPLACEABLE.
> >
> > She is the girl that the guy loves and will always
> > love, he never wants to
> > see her with another man...BUT he will cheat on her
> > with Baby Girl until he
> > is mature enough to realize that if he gets caught
> > or f's up in any way and
> > loses Wifey, he would be screwed, and NEVER be happy
> > again.
> >
> > Wifey gets along with mom, is independent, never
> > nags, loves to dress sexy
> > for her man, can cook and loves to keep a clean
> > house. Wifey gets called 5
> > or 6 times a day.
> >
> > Drawback of Wifey, she loves public displays of
> > affection, which definitely
> > inteferes with the acquisition of a Side Piece
> >
> > *2) Baby Girl* is ALWAYS just as hot as wifey and
> > usually has a very active
> > social life.
> >
> > However, even though she IS replaceable, she thinks
> > she's the next Wifey,
> > What she doesn't know is that she will only be Wifey
> > if an extreme disaster
> > takes place.
> >
> > Baby Girl gets some of the benefits of Wifey, like
> > quality time every now
> > and then and even presents on birthdays and
> > holidays, but thats as far as it
> > goes.
> >
> > The main reason to have Baby Girl is in case Wife
> > really really f's up, she
> > can be replaced in a matter of weeks because Baby
> > Girl has been groomed to
> > slip right into her spot.
> >
> > Be careful of Baby Girl, she tends to be just as
> > attached as Wifey and
> > therefore can be dangerous to the Side Piece.
> >
> > Biggest benefit of Baby Girl...she is extremely
> > private and hates causing a
> > scene, baby girl can come into the same restaurant
> > as you and wifey and
> > wifey will have no idea you two even know each
> > other.
> >
> > Baby Girl is usually a master of disguise as well.
> >
> >
> >
> > *3) Side Piece, usually* a female that the guy has
> > only for sex and other
> > pleasures, she is usually the one that he goes to
> > for that threesome or some
> > late night head after the club.
> >
> > When Wifey is acting up and Baby Girl is at work,
> > the Side Piece is usually
> > the one to hold him over for a few hours.
> >
> > He can meet with the Side Piece for reasons other
> > than sex, but normally
> > that only happens one week during the month.
> >
> > Side Pieces are hard to spot when they are out
> > because most of her friends
> > are either Wifey's or Jump Offs.
> >
> > The chief drawback of having more than one side
> > piece is that they usually
> > know each other somehow ...we kinda think there is a
> > sidepiecenetwork.com or
> > something.
> >
> > Endeavour to keep your side piece count below four
> > if possible.
> >
> >
> >
> > *4) Jump Off...every mans dream and worst
> > nightmare.*
> >
> > She is trying to move up in life, wants to be a Side
> > Piece or Wifey but
> > doesnt know how to go about it.
> >
> > They are just the girls he hollas at when he is with
> > his boys She is usually
> > stored in the cell phone by a nickname because he
> > barely remembers her real
> > name and where he met her...
> >
> > he only recalls how fat her ass was.
> >
> > The Jump Off gets called in emergencies only, when
> > wifey is moody, baby girl
> > is on vacation and side piece is with her baby's
> > father.
> >
> > The Jump Off is extremely dangerous in public for a
> > number of reasons, she
> > is usually five other guys jump off as well, so she
> > might cause drama with
> > you and one of those dudes if you slip up, she also
> > has no problem
> > confronting you in the mall when you are with Wifey
> > (something that baby
> > girl would NEVER do)
> >
> > and the most dangerous thing about Jump Off; she
> > ALWAYS seems to find out
> > where you live and or work.

A woman was helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on with.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the "shock effect" to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p.,e.,n.,i.,s."

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
"PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH"

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

The Lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuh fi want nutt'n. Ah Him ah prevent mi
from tell off people everyday.

Ah Him ah gimme peace, when so-so madness a gwan roun' mi. Ah Him ah
remine mi fi pray and fi do everyting widout complain, murmur or kiss mi
teet.
Ah Him ah remine mi dat ah Him, noh mi job, ah mi source, although
lickle more pay woulda nice.

Ah Him ah stap mi from mad a daytime, an' ah guide mi decision dem, so
mi can honor Him inna hev'ryting. Ah Him ah prevent mi from shoot up di
whole place, an' tun' all misupervisor dem inna some duppy, so mi no
haffi go ah prison, an' live mongst ah bag ah battyman or get heng.

Even though mi get one whole heap of e-mail, fool fool deadline fi work
wid, have some co-worker dem whey a chat mi behine mi back!, some big
heediat fi supervisor, an' ah ol' body dat kyaan' mek it amorning time,
mi nah give up because Him deh wid mi! Him presence, Him peace, an' Him
power ah go si mi through.

Ah Him ah raise mi up, even when di heediat dem nah promote mi
hardworking self, though mi have three set a degree an' diploma.

Ah Him claim mi as fi Him own, even when di company ah threaten fi fiah
mi, an' me ah threaten fi light wan fiah an' bun di whole place ah
grung.

Fi Him faithfulness an' love betta dan any bonus check (but yu simi, a
check woulda help out some time).

Fi Him retirement plan betta dan every pension plan outta road, but mek
anybady try rob this place yah an yuh see wha 'appen out yah tiday. When
unnu done talk; Ah Him mi ah go wuk fah fi wan long time.

So Tank Yuh Lord